How I would close Guantanamo

Camp X-Ray in 2007, five years after it closed.

My plan for closing Guantanamo would be rather different than President Obama’s.

I would first restrict the detainees’ access to news, and then stop their lawyer visits.

Then I’d feed them fake news. Make it look like Hillary wins the election, and that Al Qaeda is winning the war on terror. Make them think the war is ending, and Al Qaeda is victorious. Give them better food, and more benefits, as we’re ostensibly remorseful.

Tell them they’ll all be leaving soon, now that the war is ending. Promise each of them millions of dollars in reparations upon their return to the new Caliphate.

Our guards will need to audition so that they can act suitably humble.

Park a 747 at the airfield with a black-and-white color scheme suitable for an Al Qaeda airline. They’re going home in style. Some would surely have tears in their eyes. This is everything they dreamed of.

Finally, tell them the truth. Guantanamo is not closing. They’re not going home. Maybe, if we’re lucky, President Trump can deliver this news personally. Take away all the new benefits we gave them. Make Guantanamo worse than ever before.

Like Trump, I see no reason to close Guantanamo. The war’s not over yet.

The critics can whine all they want, but my idea isn’t really all that much worse than telling people you’re going to “close Guantanamo” when you’re really only planning to move it to a prison in the U.S. — the Obama plan.

It’s a pity they don’t do stuff like this in real life. Not precisely, anyway.

I am aware of one trick they did, reported in the file of detainee Jamal Al-Harith (ISN 490):

[D]uring a recent PSYOP/JDOG experiment in Camp Delta called “Dining Out” (where ethnic food was prepared for a select group of detainees), the detainee was noticed calling out to other detainees in other blocks that the food tasted just like that from a restaurant in Jedda, Saudi Arabia. According to the detainee’s story, he has never been to Saudi Arabia.

Al-Harith was released to the U.K. in 2004. He told stories of being served old food and dirty water — and the beatings. The human rights movement repeated those stories without a hint of skepticism. The British government gave him one million pounds for all his trouble.

The money must have run out. His last reported location was in Syria, where he now resides as a member of ISIS.